A Money Coach in Canada

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“We are currently on Module 9 of It’s Your Money. The biggest way this program has been helpful to us is that it has given us hope. We have been trying to get out of debt and into control for years now and it finally feels like it’s possible. Barry and Jeanette, BC Sept. 2011”

So many clients have a quiet hopelessness about their debt. They’ve been nearly submerged in it for so long they cannot conceive of it ever going away. Or perhaps they roll it into their mortgage only to wrack up the credit cards again.

In my experience, here is the underpinning reason folks don’t get out of debt once and for all: They focus solely on their debt – it becomes the central drama of their financial lives – instead of looking at their overall financial picture and seeing how debt-reduction can realistically fit in.

Here’s a practical example. Say Joe and Sue (fictional!) have a credit card of $7K plus a LOC of $11K. Then one day they bump up their LOC by $3K AND THEY PANIC.

Determined to GET RID OF THEIR DEBT they vow to cut back on eating out. To stop going to live theatre. Maybe even to sell the car and use public transit (but they don’t).

See what’s happening? They are not factoring in things like — some nights they work til 8pm and making themselves a meal is just.not.gonna.happen at that point. things like — going out for lattes is a stress-break, a vital little perk in the day, without which they feel pretty despondent (can’t even afford a freakin’ latte??). things like — next month is their anniversary and they are going to want to celebrate it.

When clients work with my program, they develop a holistic plan. One that accounts for their lifestyle and their idiosyncrasies that have unique money components. Only by grounding itself in LIFE AS IT REALLY IS, can any eliminate-debt plan hope to succeed.

There are the Krystal’s of the world, for sure, who are able to make it a priority and have it over and done with in a year. But for the majority of folks, a measured, one step after another approach is what works in the long haul.

Three different people taking my online money coaching program have contacted me recently about creditors who were hounding them, including two who were receiving calls at work.

Here’s one of the emails I received:

Credit cards and debt collection – is there a law stating how many times they can call you in a day? [credit card collections] has been calling me 4-8 times a day for 2 weeks starting at 7:30am! Last week I wasn’t able to answer my phone (mechanical failiure) but this week I can and I just asked to speak to a supervisor, who was of course out of his office.
Any suggestions? I’ve complained to them about this before.

I recognize that I am in arrears with my account, but does that give them the right to basically harass me? Any links / tips would be helpful. thx.

The answer is “NO!  Creditors cannot hound you like that”.  Most Canadian jurisdictions have laws regarding how creditors must operate.

Before proceeding with the resources below, it must be said:   If you are in a situation financially where creditors are hounding you, you need the help of my business.  Listen to this (my story) and take it from there.

In 2003, the Ministers Responsible for Consumer Affairs all across Canada agreed together to work towards legislating limitations on Collection Agencies in their respective jurisdictions.

BC.  According to the Canadian Bar Association of BC creditors can only attempt to call your employer to verify your employment.  They can call you at work once, only if they cannot reach you at home.  In addition, if you request in writing that they contact you only in writing, they must do so.

Alberta:  This legislation (scroll down on the page) applies to collections agencies (as opposed to businesses collecting money you owe)

Saskatchewan:  Collections agencies cannot call you earlier than 8am, after 6pm, or on Sundays or holidays.  There is further protection from harassment

Manitoba: Scroll down to Section 98 for the limits on collections calls.

Ontario:  They can only contact you three times (including leaving voicemail) within a seven day period.  Further information is here.

Quebec:  The legislation isn’t as specific but it provides some parameters

Newfoundland/Labrador:  Scroll down to Section 12

PEI: doesn’t allow them to contact your place of employment at all (see Section 5)

New Brunswick:  has robust regulations.  Scroll down to Section 14.

Nova Scotia:  see Section 20

Territories – sorry – it wasn’t easy to find legislation!  Worst case scenario, contact your MLA.

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This is a very raw, real story of someone in my life who I know not super-well, but well enough to cry when I read this. I knew her before, during, and now after, her marriage. The story caught me as off-guard as anyone; I would not have predicted this, having seen them together… and the beautiful photos of her wedding on facebook. The writer is grounded, thoughtful and kind. And clearly someone who knows how to respect herself and request what she deserves in the midst of a very rough ride. Her action are more eloquent than any money coaching I could provide.

In September of 2009, I stood up in front of my friends and family and promised to take another person “for better or for worse”. He took me too, but as it turns out, where he wanted to take me was to the cleaners.

My husband, let’s just call him JerkFace (JF for short), and I met in February of 2003. We started dating in April of the same year, moved in together pretty quickly after that and then went through all the motions you’d expect: We went from renting to owning an apartment, we got a dog, we got engaged and then we got married. We shared everything. We were the lucky ones, I thought, we can easily share everything and it’s not an issue. We never haggle over who pays for what, we don’t fight over who spends more, and we shared everything. We put all our money together, we paid our bills together, and we shared everything. It was to the point where we had to be very sneaky about getting each other gifts because we didn’t have our own accounts, our own cards… who needs it when we have each other?! We shared everything, remember?

From 2005-2008, I worked for a credit union and learned an incredible amount of money and financing and also what sort of trouble those things can get you into. I froze accounts for separating couples, tried to console weeping spouses whose husbands or wives had emptied out the account on their way home to ask for a divorce. I went to a presentation about women and money and the presenter gave a piece of advice that I kick myself now for not listening to: “A woman,” she said, “should always have the means to leave if she has to.” She stressed how important it is to have some money that is just yours, tucked away in a savings account or accessible investment for the rainiest of days. I took this advice and I passed it along, talking to women in bad situations and encouraging them to make sure they had the funds to be able to stand on their own two feet if they had to. The poor women who weren’t at all like me, who weren’t one of the lucky ones like I was, the ones who had relationships that they needed protection from or a backup plan from.

Not me, though. I continued to put every last penny into a joint account and emptied out both my RRSPs and my savings for the down payment on our condo and for our wedding. Even as he advanced at his career and we put him through school when only one of us could afford to go, I didn’t bat an eyelash at pouring my hard-earned money into the life we shared. Now he earned two and a half times what I did, so it was worth it, right? “We” had more money coming in. I didn’t mind that he didn’t have any savings to put towards the wedding, he got paid more so put more towards our bills, right? And once he’s gotten ahead, I’ll go back to school and we’ll pay for me to go. We shared everything, so what was there to worry about?

On October 22nd, 2010 (my 28th birthday), I found text messages in JF’s phone with plans that he was moving out. I was the last to know, he was trying to be considerate by not doing it before my birthday (he’s all heart). So just over a year after we said our “I Dos”, he said, “I Don’t Anymore” and the next morning he left.

He then did things that I never thought he would do, he spent all the money in our account on going out and partying, he refused to speak to me or see me and tried to fully extricate himself from my life. Once all the confusion and the upset began to fade a little bit, I could hear the presenter’s words in my mind as I realized that I didn’t have enough money to stand on my own two feet. If we weren’t sharing everything anymore, what did that mean for me?

In JF’s eyes, it meant I had my salary and he had his and we’d sign a few sheets of paper and that would be it. He figured he’d have to give me some cash to buy me out of the condo (which he was planning on keeping and kicking me out of) but had no intention of paying me any sort of support or paying me back for all the money I had so willingly dumped into our relationship. Alimony? Doesn’t exist, he decided. That was only for if you had kids and the very mention of it was taken by him as a threat and further deteriorated the bits of communication we did have.

So, I found myself staring at a spreadsheet I’d done up at 3 o’clock in the morning, the red digits of my negative expendable income glaring on the screen. Forget being a homeowner anymore, I didn’t know how I’d afford to pay rent. We had so much debt between us that he wanted to split 50/50, all my income would be going towards debt repayment. Forget going to school, I’d have to get a second job just to handle my living expenses. My car, which I’d been thinking of trading in to get a newer car since it was getting old and less reliable, was suddenly an expense that I didn’t even know if I could keep. To say I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement.

Here is what I did:
I went to talk to a lawyer. My husband acted as if my seeking out legal advice was an aggressive and unnecessarily hostile move, but it wasn’t. Seeing a lawyer and finding out what I was actually entitled to, regardless of what my JerkFace of a husband thought, was the first step towards me feeling like I had some control over a seemingly impossible situation.
Did some research and got out my calculator. I crunched a lot of numbers and worked out that JF and I would be sharing the debt 2/3 to him and only 1/3 to me, based on our incomes. I found some tools online to help me calculate how much I would be legally entitled to ask for in spousal support (based on our income differential, the number of years we had lived together as spouses and my age). I printed out bank statements, college transcripts and HomeBuyer’s Plan receipts. I also found instructions on how to put together your own Separation Agreement to take to a lawyer so you don’t have to have them draw everything up (and charge you for it).
• Wrote everything down. And I mean EVERYTHING. Every penny I put on our down payment, every monthly expense we had as a couple, every debt, every asset… I even listed out all our shared property down to tea towels and DVDs.
• Used everything I found to draft up an Agreement and gave it to JerkFace. Was he mad? Yeah, he was really mad. And it was a really hard thing to do. I had to get over this stigma in my mind of a woman “going after” her ex-husband for everything he’s worth as some sort of revenge and realize that I am entitled to be able to go on living my life, even if my marriage is over. He accused me of trying to “financially cripple” him, even though it was right there on paper that even with paying me support and fairly dividing our debt, his expendable income was more than three times what mine would be. I realized that to him, “fair” would be him getting everything and being able to walk away without losing anything or even inconveniencing himself.
• Fought the urge to just give in and give up. Breaking up is exhausting and emotionally draining. At the end of a day where you are working hard just to feel like a normal person in public, the last thing you want to do is fight over money and furniture. There were times when I wanted to say, “Fine, just take whatever you want and get out of my life.” Because it was too much to take on. I had to just keep remembering how mad I would be at myself three months from now, when I have no furniture or can’t pay my bills on time. Just keep pushing through it, and it will be worth it in the long run.
• Leaned on my support system. Taking on a battle that you know could end up in court or worse and go on for years is a really scary thing. I don’t think I have ever been through something that so clearly showed me who my real support system is. The people that sat up with me until the early hours of the morning or let me sleep on their couch when being alone was too hard or brought me care packages wouldn’t let me just lie down and die, even when that’s all I wanted to do. They also wouldn’t let me end up homeless or bankrupt or all the other “worse case scenarios” that were running through my mind. I was lucky enough to have an aunt who offered to help with me legal fees, if it came to that, and friends and a sister who would have let me live with them indefinitely if I needed a place to stay.
• Tried to look at it like it was business and not personal. Stepping back from the hurt and rollercoaster of emotions I was going through and just looking at the numbers, the facts and the figures really helped me feel like I could get through it. The laws are there to protect our rights, even when we feel like we can’t protect ourselves.
Going through this Separation has by far been the most difficult thing I have ever faced. Aside from the emotional beating you take, fear of an unknown future and figuring out how to make it on your own seem unconquerable.

But if I could give advice to anyone out there in a similar situation: Stand up for yourself, even when it’s the hardest thing to do. Don’t let someone else control your future because they think you won’t fight for what’s yours. Get support, get advice and make yourself an expert in all things divorce. This is the first step you are taking in a new life, make it a stride forward towards being a confident and “no nonsense” woman.

I hate to be the type of person who looks back on things with regret, so I try be forgiving with myself about the choices I made through my relationship. I made them with the best of intentions and because I really loved and trusted someone and those are all good things. So, if I could go back and do it over again differently, would I? No. Will I ever make those same mistakes again? Absolutely not.

Truth be told I feel pretty self-conscious every time my personal story of my 20-something misadventures with money get splashed in mainstream media, like it did today in the Toronto Star. The reason I drop my guard is simply this: If I could turn things around, anyone can, and that’s a message I believe a lot of Canadians need to hear. There is hope. And if you are in a bit of a money muddle – or in financial hell – you are not alone.

We live in such a pressured culture, don’t we. I think I’ve generally hit my stride in terms of being unapologetic for myself – my values, my beliefs, and my finances – but I sure know what it is to have felt I had to present a particular image, or spend what I didn’t have in order to fit in, or (and this is kinda sweet) to help someone else out ’cause I cared yet didn’t want to admit to them or myself that I, too, was in a bad way.

So yes, I’ve known the acute discomfort of more than one “pay up” phone call (and will *never* give American Express any business again! #wayunnecessarilyrude) and sleepless nights wondering how I’d manage the coming month. And yes, the worst ever was having my credit card cut up by some high-school kid behind the till of the Shopper’s Drugmart on Broadway Ave in Vancouver.

But I’ve also known the quiet inner confidence of choosing to take charge of the mess. Of putting one step in front of the other, and after withstanding setbacks, discovering I really did “arrive” at a much better place.

If you are in need of a safe place to take a look at your own finances, and if you would like to put some building blocks in place to help you move forward, I can help — but not quite yet! I’m on a sabbatical from money coaching until January 2011. At that point, my business Your Money by Design will be live and kicking again, and ready to help (at entirely affordable pricing). If you would like to be on the wait list, feel free to e-mail me personally at money coach canada (all one word) at gmail dot com. Helping folks who are going through what I went through is one of my greatest joys. And I promise you, with time and a bit of effort, you can have your own turnaround story.

With care and high hopes for us all,


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