Maybe the fact that it feels a bit like one reflects how off-course our collective thinking has become. Sometimes we need to, nearly literally, re-wire our neural pathways. This is what Byron Katie helps folks do.

The rewiring ought to result in greater peace, energy and mental clarity – surely something we’d all do benefit from regarding our approach to our money!
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So here’s the pitch.

We can and should challenge each of our distressing thoughts about money (or anything else, for that matter) by asking the following 4 Questions:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought?

and the last challenge is to invert that thought and corroborate that inverted thought with examples.
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For example:

Thought: I might die a bag lady.

1. Is it true?
Well, of course, it might not happen. But it could. And that scares the hell out of me.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Uhhh… no.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I panic inside. I feel discouraged, hopeless and don’t even want to think about money

4. Who would you be without that thought?
Hmmm. I would feel a lot more serene. I would be more confident and optimistic about my finances, and feel better about paying attention to them. I would no longer engage in self-destructive financial habits. I might even learn to invest and start to build myself a nice little nest egg!

And the turnaround inverts and corroborates the thought:

I am not going to die a bag lady.
Corroboration: I have a job and I actually could live a bit more simply and start building a nest egg. | I have relatives who will leave me an inheritance. It isn’t much, but that will supplement my Old Age Security, and it could supplement my own savings quite nicely. | I am addiction-free and mental-illness free and generally healthy. That does not fit the profile of bag ladies!

The last bit, the turnaround, is designed to open our mind to new ways of thinking which align just as fully as our original thought. It may feel unreal, or unlikely, because we are so accustomed to one way of thinking that these new ones are hard to believe. But over time, our neural pathways should rewire and open up in ways that reduce our anxiety and enable us to relax more about money.

Katie’s site gives tons of free resources. Go play with your brain for a while!

This 2012, in my middle-age, I’m attempting to shift from the former to the latter. And I invite you to consider if you perhaps should, too.

It ain’t easy.

Not at all.

If done deeply and well, the latter isn’t simply about being easy-going. It’s certainly not about being blase. Rather, it requires an inner restraint and a holding back from engineering circumstances, or attempting to, frankly put, impose our ideas and desires on life…or people… or our finances. It requires a capacity to carry tension over an extended period.

It ain’t easy.

Not at all.

But I am certain that I need to adopt this stance, and root myself deeply in this stance, and I’m also certain we’d be better off as a culture if more of us did the same. The pay-off? We situate ourselves more appropriately in the bigger scheme of things. We are more aligned with reality. And while that may contain no greater guarantees of obtaining the life we want, surely it is a step away from delusion, and distracting ourselves from reality, and a step towards truly engaging with the circumstances, or people, or financial situations in which we find ourselves.

But we have our hopes and our desires don’t we?

So what to do, what to do, when there’s a gap between reality squarely faced, and our tender heart’s longings?

Downton Abbey (the smash hit series by BBC) demonstrates how to handle this gap, this tension, very well.

There are two particular story arcs, that of Mary and Matthew and another of Mr. Bates, which require a great tension to be carried for well beyond what we think can be borne. All of the characters have a deep need for something, or someone … but they have a clear understanding of their very real environments and circumstances, and what is possible and what is not possible to grasp for themselves without doing harm to other parties or simply the greater good. So they courageously and calmly and resolutely hold themselves to account to a bigger vision, one which respects and acknowledges the bigger picture and they restrain themselves from grasping.

We do not know how those story arcs will end, but we do know that the characters, by their restraint, are likely avoiding disaster for themselves and people they care about even as they hold out hope. And hold out hope.

It ain’t easy.

So. You and me and our money – the topic of my blog, after all. Here’s what I’m pondering. So often, our money goes towards that which will give immediate release or relief to us (sometimes even under the guise of responsible behaviour, like un-sustainable approaches to debt reduction). What might happen if all of us instead learned to hold out hope for our financial desires, but only within a context of clearly understanding and accounting for the circumstances in which we, or our neighbours, or women in Africa, find ourselves? What if we developed capacity to carry the tension, the gap between what we need and what reality can offer, for extended periods of time? How would that affect our wallets? How would that affect our inner sense of well-being? How would that affect the world around us?

It’s a dilemma for anyone with half a heart (if you simply don’t give a damn when the destitute on the street corners ask you for your change, you need to puzzle for a while then grow your heart two more sizes).

“They have soup kitchens and social assistance programs, and giving them change is just going to enable their dependency and probably will go straight to drugs”. That’s what I said to my softer-hearted cousin when she visited.

But over time I learned that it wasn’t that straightforward. Sometimes my change really did go to a slice of pizza that may have been the only protein or hot food they’d get that day. Sometimes the soup kitchens weren’t open (like Sunday mornings, because all the faith-based places weren’t open!). Sometimes the access to social assistance was so freaking complicated what little energy the individual could muster was sucked dry during the first (crappy pay phone) call to the 1-800#.

So then. I started giving out change if I had it, and dignify the exchange (somewhat) by leaving it entirely to the individual to use as they saw fit. Sorta like the rest of us do.

But I think I just heard a better answer.

What we can say with confidence is that we are to give something to everyone who asks – dignity, attention, time, a listening ear. Sometimes we may give money, sometimes not.

Sounds like a pretty Christ-massy sort of response to “can you spare some change” to me.

I’ll start, minimally, by not being pouty when some of Yellowknife’s folks (often inebriated to avoid hells I don’t know about) crowd in the local post office entrance or bank machine areas.

Anyway, when I was recently in Vancouver, I went to my radical and wonderful home parish in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside and the priest on deck for the homily, Jessica (yes, a woman priest, YAY and because it’s a High Anglican church it’s “Mother” Jessica), gave the homily, and I have to say it challenged this money coach.

It challenged me to make tithing a central aspect of my finances rather than a one-more-aspect. By that, I mean I want it to become my new barometer of my financial health. This is part of my re-invigorated money-coach-heal-thyself programme to which I committed.

Previous barometers were:

• ability to meet my monthly obligations
• building up a nest egg
• buying a home
• able to live a more luxurious lifestyle
• having savings for nice things

But I want a new barometer.   I want my new barometer of financial success to be:  Am I managing my finances in such a way that I can give 10% of it away?  To organizations that feed the hungry?  To organizations that advocate for structural change, social justice, so that folks aren’t hungry in the first place?  To initiatives that will help the planet?  And of course, to my parish which has been such a rich blessing to me over the years?

I don’t do that right now.  I give a certain amount on a regular basis, and beyond that, on one-offs throughout the year.  But I can, and desire to, make it a central aspect of my money management to give 10% away on a regular basis.   If you want to listen to the homily – it’s about 6 minutes – it’s below.  If you want just the key points, here they are:

1. Tithing is in response to a great vision, not a commandment

2. Occam’s Razor – the simplest model is probably the best one  (10%)

3. Tithing can offer freedom from anxiety

4. It can invite God’s healing into our relationship with money

5. It’s a practice of gratitude

Mother Jessica’s Top 5 Reasons to Tithe from St. James' Anglican Church on Vimeo.

Photo Credit: More Good Foundation

This money coach loves these guys. And you will too. Not to mention you’ll love being a Saver.

And then there are my nearly-self-sufficient friends who live on a lake, grow their own vegetables and quinoa, compost their toilet (ewwww, but it works), chop down trees (don’t judge; it’s likely cleaner than your heat source) to heat their home (bear in mind our weather drops to -40C for days on end) and the latest? Bake their bread in this solar-energy contraption. The bread was fabulous, by the way.

I don’t really dare refer to myself as frugal in comparison.

THE SOLAR ENERGY OVEN

THE GREEN HOUSE (they also have an extensive outdoor garden)

WHAT SURELY MUST BE THE ONLY LOCALLY GROWN CANTALOUPE

HAND CUT AND CHOPPED. WHO NEEDS THE GYM?

EVERY CORNER OF THE HOUSE HAS A RAIN BARREL.

NOT SURE IF THIS IS USED. OBVIOUSLY NOT DURING MIDNIGHT SUN SEASON.

INDEED, IT IS!

This is my question to you. (And I ask this question after truly trying to change my thinking… imagining piles of $$$$$$ instead of clothes, etc., and making budget after budget, but to no avail. I still find myself enroute to yet one more store in my moments of boredom.) Question: Is it ever wise to actually cut up your credit cards? Do you ever give that advice to people? I truly do feel as though my spending and justifying it is out of control…however, if I was ever invited out to 30 great parties in a row, I would have some great dresses and shoes to wear to every single one of them! But, I did not make my RRSP contribution this year, and all those dresses won’t do me any good when I am 70!)

Thanks!
Cathy from Ontario
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Thanks for your question, Cathy-from-Ontario! It’s a good question and you’re in good company. In fact, according to a recent report by TransUnion, the average Canadian owes $25,597 in addition to their mortgage, of which $3,539 is credit card debt.

Here’s what I recommend:

1. Assume you will never win the fight against short-term satisfaction versus long-term anything . It’s well-established that we humans are hard-wired to choose the lesser-but-immediate gain (hot dress) over the greater-down-the-road gain (healthy RRSPs when you’re old or simply a healthy savings account). Don’t beat yourself up over this – I don’t beat myself up – but acknowledge it’s a component of your humanity that needs to be factored in. But it doesn’t end there…

2. You can set up the game to increase the odds that your rational side – the part of you that does want to opt out of the consumption train in favour of thoughtful budgets and your old age – has a fighting chance to win over your emotional and energizing side – the part of you that “connects” quickly to spending. Here are three ways that work for me:

a. Set up savings accounts precisely how you mentioned, ie., for specific items. Mine include “holidays,” “dog emergencies,” “slush fund”. Each of these have a gut-level attraction to me, so I have an emotional commitment to them. Find the items that resonate for you — a gift for your child? a great outfit for an upcoming event? Then set up saving accounts AND set up regular contributions (even $25/paycheque) into them. (By the way, I use ING – super fun for multiple savings accounts – and if you sign up with them, quote my “orange key” as 14641937S1 and we’ll each get $25 or something like that.) Will this create your retirement plan? No, but it will easily and quickly shift your self-perception into being a Saver and trust me, that will start to play out for you over time. Plus, you’ll have money ready for stuff you value.

b. Give yourself full permission to shop when you are bored With This Caveat: you can only buy the item(s) you find the next day. If you still really want it the next day, go for it. Truly. This little trick is the.single.most.effective habit that turned me around. I can honestly say I basically never impulse buy any more!

c. Create a new pathway. Right now, it sounds like you are in a rut: I’m bored -> I shop -> I buy. Think this through right now: next time you are a little bit bored, what is an alternative action you could take? It’s important to identify just one action. Then, try it out. Next time you are a little bit bored take that action and see how it works. It will take a bit of “muscle” to develop the new pathway, so it’s important to start with the little bit bored times. With repeated practice, a new pathway will be created.

3. And the credit cards? Don’t cut them up. But do lower their limit. I have a $1000 limit on mine. A low limit helps us think of them in a healthy perspective – there when we need them, but not for all our wants and dreams.

Hope that helps Cathy!

And, of course, check out my $25 online program which will help on exactly these sorts of issues!

READERS: If you have a question about your finance (not investment or tax stuff, but day-to-day issues) by all means e-mail me: moneycoachcanada at gmail d0t com.

Photo Credit: consumerist

Only active questioning and resistance can prevent us from being mindlessly sucked in.

Here are 3 vital questions worth asking before buying.

1. Am I buying this because I think it will improve my life?

If yes, unpack this belief at least briefly, before walking up to the till.

• How will it improve my life?
• How much will it improve my life – enough to justify the cost?
• How long will it improve my life?

2. Am I buying this because I think I may need it “someday”?

In this instance, it might be worth a quick review:  Do I often buy things thinking I may need it?  If so, have most of those purchases indeed proven to be useful, or are they collecting dust?  When do I think that “someday” will occur, and until then, will I feel good about this purchase?  In light of your answer (either way), do you still wish to make this purchase?

3. Am I buying this primarily because it’s on sale?

If yes, think of at least 5 other uses for that same amount of money.   Now, would you still prefer to make the purchase (in which case, go for it), or would you prefer to use the funds for other things?

I think there are actually two steps prior to writing anything.

The first, in polite Steven Covey terms, is to begin with the end in mind.

In other words: Consider Your Death. You are going to die. Obviously so am I.

Forgive me for being so blunt in April of all times; death has been on my mind. A man of great influence on me personally died last week. I listened to this interview of Nuala O’faolain, a famous Irish author in which she talks frankly and weepingly of her impending death. And most directly relevant, I watched “Really achieving your childhood dreams” a video by a Carnegie Mellon professor who knew this would be his last ever lecture.

It’s worth taking time to think about it, at least a little, before landing on and pursuing our hopes and dreams: When we are on our death-beds, will they seem trivial, or worth the days we had? Will they be lasting and of some kind of substance, or the equivalent of soap bubbles?

Before we put a money towards our dreams, it’s worth being convinced of their death-bed value.

Last weekend was all about identifying your unique strengths.
You now have a composite that should inspire and encourage you.

Now it’s time to apply those strengths to managing your money effectively. So grab a pen and paper (or open your macbook, or whatever) and have at ‘er. Think of at least three strengths and brainstorm new ways you can bring them to bear on your money.

To get your thoughts going:

• Are you a good team player?  Why not consider buddying up with others who also want to become expert money managers and pull together as a team? Smart Cookies did it!  So could you!
• Are you good at engineering or systems?  What would happen if you spent some time developing an elegant, systematic approach to your money?
• Are you a big thinker?  Give yourself permission to think big about your money.   What do you want it to do for you?  For the world?  Then start taking steps (more later on that topic) to realize it?
• Are you good at conversation?  Do people feel at ease with you?  Try talking to people about their best strategies for handling money, and let it inspire you and give you ideas.
• Are you good at Excel?  Create a whiz-bang spreadsheet for yourself
• Are you skilled creating graphics?  Make yourself some charts about your debt, your savings, your net worth and update them regularly.

The list is endless.  The point is, capitalize on your strengths.  Be creative.  Let yourself grow and develop further muscle as you apply your strengths in new ways.

Readers – I’m super-interested if you care to share:  what is one of your strengths that you already use effectively in managing your money?